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I Just stumbled across this page by chance.... but as i write im starting to believe it is fate. My dad is a drug addict as has been since the day i was born. I was told that the first time he ever took drugs (heroin) was the day i was born to celebrate my birth. Ever since then he has smoked heroin, crack, weed and God knows whatever.
The first time i ever saw him take drugs i was three years old and i was standing there whilst he sat on the chair on the phone and smoked heroin. When i think back now i really for sorry or that little girl. its crazy because i knew straight away something was wrong... like what he was doing was bad. My mum had to work so more than often it was my dad who looked after us and especially me... i remember him having friends over and me having to stay in my room as they sat and smoked before my mum got home. Or sometimes he would take me to friend houses and leave me to play in the room as they smoked away! the crazy thing is these people were always really nice to me!!!!
after a while i became obessed with my dads drug addiction and i would sneak around the house looking for evidence, when i was around 7 or 8 i told my mum and she told me to tell her if it happened again. Some prt of me feels responsible beause i think to myself if i was never born this wold have never happened! my brother woulnt have such a poor male role model, my mum would never have to endure the stealing, mood swings, physical violence.... for a very long time it made me very depressed and angry. it definently affected my realtionship with men, i have no tolerance nd often used to get into fights! i vowed to myself that when i grew up i would never allow a man to make me walk on edge ofbe lazy or take advantage of me! the crazy thing is because of that i always found guys well 2 guys each were long time boyfriends... well anyway they both had money and spoilt me but the bad thing is that made me lazy and turn into my dad someone i never wanted to be. i just wanted to make sure i never suffered like my mum.
when i was 17 my mum finally left my dad, although i was sad i was her for my mum! she deserved to be happy and she workedso hard to buy her place. unfortunately my older bro had to stay wid him but he would come round all the time. whislt he was there my dad ran up a debt at the house amouning to 7,000 pounds and earlier he had attacked my mum and broken her elbow, she had to stop work sell the house for a fraction of the money and move into a refuge. that had to be one of the sadest days of my life. eventually it got sorted but during those three years my mum suffered from panic attacks, friends laughedat her disowned her etc and all people she had helped. i stayed with my dad and bro and with my boyfirend alot of the time cos i was so depressed at home.
my dad is going to be 60 soon and i promised him i would take him back home if he went to rehab but he didnt. eventually i have realised that i have to let him go! everytime he is around me he draws me in and leads me to believe he will change but he never does. i know he wants to but i dont know how bad because he still takes drugs. When i look at him my heart breaks..... i bet he never dreamed this is how his life would end up. im sure he believed that he would and could stop.... i think because of my dad i was and still can be very angry but its getting better as i get older and now that i go to church.
Despite everything i still feel lost sometimes and lack motivation to find a job, before i was a straigt a student because i thought that would make my dad happy and he would stop but he never has so now im kind of just floating and finding myself, its crazy because i was around my dad so much as a child we have a close connection and i know if he didnt do drugs he could guide me better and i wouldnt make wrong choices but at the same time i realise i am grown and i cant blame everything about me on him because i have the power to change. Right now i am just writing this cos it feels right and i read others stories.
being the child of an addict is crazy nobody really understand how it breaks you to see your parent crumble, humilate themselves, beg, steal.... worrying that they may have overdosed its crazy!!!!
But one thing i do take from my story is what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and despite everything i will never disown my dad or be ashamed of him and neither should anyone else who has a parent on drugs. The people who should be ashamed are those that sell it, the prey on the weak..... if you try to be a good person, better yourself everyday then you have taken something from a bad situation and made it positive. Right now im on a journey to really find myself to put aside the pain, hurt, disappointment and become the best person i can be.... in the words of kanye "im a champion so i turn tragedy to triumph" these words always inspire me.
thanks for taking the time to read a bit of my life.... it just felt right to write......